Heartache

Another post that isn't 'happy'. I know that anyone who stumbles across this may think I am the most miserable person in the world, I promise I'm not. But this is my reprieve. The way to get some of the weight off my chest. Either way, onto the painful topic.
It's been almost 4 months since I have said goodbye to a soul that has touched my life in the most wonderful of ways. I miss and love him so much that some days, it feels like it is crushing me. I delicately avoid thoughts of him and in times where I let memories dance across my mind I break down into sobs. My first child, a beautiful all black german shepherd, was hit by a car and we were forced to put him down. It was my fault. I let him out and forgot that I did so. My fiance and I were watching the democratic debate and it came off of the commercial and I forgot him. We always let him out without a leash or anything, and normally he would lay in the yard and happily chew sticks. But not January 18th. January 18th my precious boy wandered into the road and was struck by a vehicle that was obviously traveling way to fast in a snow storm. We found him and rushed him to the vet. I sat in the back seat with his head cradled in my lap, petting his face and begging him to stay with me. Crying out that I was so sorry for allowing him to be hurt so badly. We got him to the vet and they gave us the bad news. He was bleeding out internally and was paralyzed in 3 legs. We could spend upwards of 10k to try to save his life, or we could end it. My beautiful fiance couldn't stay in the room while they did it, and I couldn't stand to let him go without his mom. So I stayed and pet his beautiful face cooing to him until his eyes lost their light.
I don't know if you can get ptsd just from losing a baby that way, but I think about those last moments all the time. They spring up to my mind and torture me. I miss him so much and the sorrow tears at my heart. It rips into me as I sob and makes me feel like I am ripping into pieces. He was only two years old, but he changed my entire world. He taught me to accept things as they were, how to patient in the face of frustration, how to enjoy those 'annoying' habits of those you love. He was such a huge piece of my life, and I just wish there was a way to get him back.
There isn't though. So instead I will look at pictures of him and remember what it felt like to hug him. What it felt like to lay my head on his butt and read a book, What it was like to go on bike rides with him and to treasure his adorable puppy-like nature. He never grew up, though I guess he never had the chance to.